I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
