no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
