Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
