There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
