marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
