It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize