i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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