Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
