if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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