I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
