The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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