the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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