i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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