Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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