my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize