I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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