At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
