that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
