I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
