I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
