Already got asked if we're dating
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
