god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
