Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
