Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
