remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Couch. On fire.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
