Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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