do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
