can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
