part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
