after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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