if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
