Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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