oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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