You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize