420 ftw
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
