What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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