Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
