Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
