the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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