What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
She said her name was "party"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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