too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
