Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
