the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
