i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He passed out mid-signature
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
