I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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