phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
