he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
