That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
