Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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