Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
