Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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