Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
