new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
