My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Congratulations! We have a period
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