Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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