well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
