So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
