So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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