So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize